Secret Pleasures #10: Using Laser Pointers to Successfully Retard my Cat

22 Aug

Alright, so you’ve just spent 5 hours cleaning the house, you’re tired. You finally sit down to pick up your book and have a sit with your beloved Catman(or woman). Everything is in its place to the perfection of the gods. All the books in place, pots on shelves, dishes on racks. You’re ready to relax.

But as soon as you settle down, the clock strikes the dreaded 3:33, and the once sleeping cat (who’s been napping all day) has awoken, and for some strange reason, as you look at him from across the room you can’t help but think you’ve just seen a tint of red in his normally bright blue eyes.

Did you see that?

And then the floor cracks open as the flames of hell arise to wake the beast lying on the rug. And he’s off on a daily rampage that tears your perfectly place home to pieces, as he jumps on shelves, breaks all your plants, slides across your record player to scratch your favorite album, knocks all the pictures off the wall and rips through the trash with a voracity that has no equal!

Tacgnol: Destroyer of Worlds

This is how most days go.

However, I do have a solution to this. Just as he rushes back into the bedroom to gnaw on a few of my books I whip out the only sufficient weapon I own, the laser pointer. This is a useful tool to use up all of his excess energy before he moves on to crawling up the screens of the windows. And he loves it. I makes him run up walls and pace the floors in patient wait of his one great foe. I use this tool so that he gets so tired that he eventually has to fall down where he stands so that I can actually have that one relaxing moment left in my day.

But I think the best part of this tool is when I run the laser pointer in circles around the cat to the point in which he simply can’t walk anymore and has no choice but to fall down, eyes crossed on the floor in a deep sleep that will be sure to knock him out for a good couple hours. His will is, at last, mine to control. And I love it. If only this worked on humans.

Wait a minute... I've found it.


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