Elliott Responses for Everyday Living – Vol. 1

30 Jul

In a random facebook chat with Nicole, we talked about the wisdom and usefulness of “Elliott Responses”.  So, now I present to you some common everyday moments and how I would respond to them:

CAT BITES FACE:
– Son of a bitch, fucking stop it, I’m not going to feed your fat ass unless it’s to make you explode like a box full of firecrackers!
– You are such an annoying little cunt!
– OHMYGOD! I love you.

TEXT FROM A STRANGER/PERSON YOU DO NOT LIKE:
– What the hell!?
– Fucking fuck fuck, I thought it was from God_Damn_Batman.  YOU HAVE RUINED MY MORNING!
– Get out of my life you dick face motherassfuck

HOT SOCCER MOMS SEE MY SHIRTLESS, RUNNING BODY AROUND THE TRACK:
(Stemming from a real conversation with Monique)
– Oh my gosh, they saw me and they went instantly wet.  I could tell, too, because their wetness was glow-in-the-dark
– Or, the stain was from me also making them menstruate on command because they wanted me to procreate a better child than the one they were there supporting.
– (while running) Yes, these are my pecs bounding across the field.  Yes, I am very skinny.  Yes, you want me.
– THAT MOM WAS TOTALLY CHECKING ME (my skinniness) OUT!

STUBBING A TOE:
– Toe, you are a motherfucking disgrace to the rest of my foot.  You should give up and die… but only with my consent because I still use you.
– Shit!
– You know Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, toe?  He is going to impale your ass for being such a pain.

CELL PHONE GOES OFF WHILE DRIVING ON VIBRATE AND IT’S BETWEEN YOUR LEGS:
– What the fuck?  It doesn’t feel like I have to go to the bathroom.
– HOLY SHIT!  What is tickling my asshole!  Is there a fucking ferret feasting and burrowing it’s way into me!?
– This is by far more uncomfortable than when I got a handjob in class in middle school… during a presentation by a police officer.  What the fuck is going on!?

SOMEONE USING A BLUE TOOTH THAT YOU THOUGHT WAS TALKING TO YOU:
– Huh? Whuh?  YOU FUCKING TWAT. YOU ARE A CONCEDED PIECE OF SHIT THAT NEEDS TO GO SOMEWHERE IN PRIVATE TO BOOK YOUR MOTHER’S BIRTHDAY CARD!
– I will hire someone to take a tire iron and shatter your fucking knee caps, you bastard.
– Shut up and suck it.

CAT KISSES YOU:
– OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG YOU ARE SO CUTE!!!
– All of your sins have been forgiven
– You are my Juliet and this is romance… minus the dying part.

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