In a random facebook chat with Nicole, we talked about the wisdom and usefulness of “Elliott Responses”. So, now I present to you some common everyday moments and how I would respond to them:
CAT BITES FACE:
– Son of a bitch, fucking stop it, I’m not going to feed your fat ass unless it’s to make you explode like a box full of firecrackers!
– You are such an annoying little cunt!
– OHMYGOD! I love you.
TEXT FROM A STRANGER/PERSON YOU DO NOT LIKE:
– What the hell!?
– Fucking fuck fuck, I thought it was from God_Damn_Batman. YOU HAVE RUINED MY MORNING!
– Get out of my life you dick face motherassfuck
HOT SOCCER MOMS SEE MY SHIRTLESS, RUNNING BODY AROUND THE TRACK:
(Stemming from a real conversation with Monique)
– Oh my gosh, they saw me and they went instantly wet. I could tell, too, because their wetness was glow-in-the-dark
– Or, the stain was from me also making them menstruate on command because they wanted me to procreate a better child than the one they were there supporting.
– (while running) Yes, these are my pecs bounding across the field. Yes, I am very skinny. Yes, you want me.
– THAT MOM WAS TOTALLY CHECKING ME (my skinniness) OUT!
STUBBING A TOE:
– Toe, you are a motherfucking disgrace to the rest of my foot. You should give up and die… but only with my consent because I still use you.
– You know Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, toe? He is going to impale your ass for being such a pain.
CELL PHONE GOES OFF WHILE DRIVING ON VIBRATE AND IT’S BETWEEN YOUR LEGS:
– What the fuck? It doesn’t feel like I have to go to the bathroom.
– HOLY SHIT! What is tickling my asshole! Is there a fucking ferret feasting and burrowing it’s way into me!?
– This is by far more uncomfortable than when I got a handjob in class in middle school… during a presentation by a police officer. What the fuck is going on!?
SOMEONE USING A BLUE TOOTH THAT YOU THOUGHT WAS TALKING TO YOU:
– Huh? Whuh? YOU FUCKING TWAT. YOU ARE A CONCEDED PIECE OF SHIT THAT NEEDS TO GO SOMEWHERE IN PRIVATE TO BOOK YOUR MOTHER’S BIRTHDAY CARD!
– I will hire someone to take a tire iron and shatter your fucking knee caps, you bastard.
– Shut up and suck it.
CAT KISSES YOU:
– OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG YOU ARE SO CUTE!!!
– All of your sins have been forgiven
– You are my Juliet and this is romance… minus the dying part.