Top 10 Reasons Why Top 10 Lists Suck

19 Dec

After being pleasantly surprised that Monique didn’t give up blogging altogether after one post a few minutes ago, I decided that I would – in a way – disagree with her  (PSHT NO FLAMING LIPS ON THAT LIST!!!) in a respectful, round-about way.

You may notice that… well, it’s nearing the end of the year/decade.  So, what does that mean we have in store for us consumers of information!?  We have lots of lists to scour through and disagree with and then agree with to go and end up purchasing that new Grandma Enid doll that seems to be all the rage.  Or a lawnmower… toes have learned long before humans that no good comes from lawnmowers.

So, I traveled for into the stratosphere of the blogosphere and clipart and google images to compile my top ten list of why top ten lists – for whatever reason – suck.

1. God Doesn’t believe in Playing Favorites:

What does he mean by this cryptic number one entry!?  I think you know what this means… you’re going to hell.

2. Top Ten lists are an obsession:

On the scale of what interests America the most, Oprah deciding she’ll retire, and Tiger Woods’ numerous affairs seem to be high up there… so, why not compile something that incorporates all of them!

Now, this may seem fool-proof, but, unfortunately, it’s not.

We consumers will journey for far lengths (typically one of the 30 corner shops at the airport with magazines) to read obsessively over what was hot for the year.  We collect these little hierarchies of objects in our head, but because they’re so easy to consume, soon we’re obsessing and can’t organize everything…  Then this happens to you:

3. No Matter How Hard of an Effort a Person Puts in, Some Jackass will Always Disagree (usually me):

Sure, this one kind of speaks for itself, but I’m going to steal its words and regurgitate them for you: People are assholes and believe they’re always right… we will go to great lengths to prove we are correct… even battling lists… with ray guns… and spaghetti.

4. They’re expendable:

I was going to include a witty comment for this photo, but I think you may be able to get my point after you think really hard for just a bit.

After the year’s done, the lists just lose about 50% of their value.  Sure, people can go back and look at the archive, but the list only stands for that year.  Then again, all time lists (typically 101… on VH1) are way too tedious to pay attention to.

5. Items typically Cost a Lot:

If you’re doing a Top Ten list of objects, then even if each object costs $5, that’s still $50 the reader would have to spend to get everything!  Where would the reader draw the line, then?

“Oh, I’ll get 1-3 and 7-8 every time.”

6. Top Ten Lists are all personal opinion!:

If you go to a blog and read a top ten list, then, sure, that might be neat and helpful, but you really have to know who’s it coming from.  It’s all arbitrary.  I frankly would not be interested in reading a Top Ten List of the best books of the year when it came from Lou Dobbs.

7. As I’m experiencing right now, the posted Top Ten usually don’t Reflect what the Writer Originally Had in Mind:

Sure, changing the standings in the process works to flesh things out and help, but it’s just not as pure of a list anymore.  We can totally sit here and decide whether honey mustard is the number 9 or number 8 best condiment in my cupboard, but I don’t think one standing will change much.

Also, the writer is usually brain dead by the time they get to the end.  Like I am right now… at 2:45 in the morning.

8. Ties:

I understand that it’s possible to have Ties, but I hate it.  Whoever has the greatest sex appeal (that new Dyson hand Vacuum or a picture frame!?) should win…

Therefore, this ties into the number one reason… which makes God a hypocrite… like someone else.

9. Special Exceptions:

These are the ones that were awesome but just didn’t make the cut, but we have extra space so let’s include it anyway.  In my opinion, they didn’t make the cut… so, they’re not good.  Take them out to the docks and give them an old bag filled with stale crumbs to throw to the gulls.

I understand that sometimes (like in books), there’s years that go by when such great shit comes out that a Top Ten list really can’t cover it all, but there should still be no exceptions… because, what happens those years when it’s not so great shit?

10. All of the Above:

They’re mind slatherings that I just threw together… so, really, how trustworthy can this Top Ten list… be!?

Strange that I got an image of the Talk Sex lady from a kids’ soccer site…


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