People who know me may recognize that I don’t always seem there; that there’s some separation between me and reality. I feel it. I feel like I’m detached from what’s here on this world and I just live in my head which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Nevertheless, I have something that could be seen as a problem in which I don’t fully feel emotions. I’m not exactly sure how to explain it because it’s something I’ve been wrestling with for a long time but more heavily recently.
I feel like I know how to react in specific situations and that I respond to stimulus with preprogrammed ways because I’ve watched people and I know how they work on the basic level. So, I know how to react to them. This may be through acknowledgement, comforting, anger, sadness, happiness, laughing, etc. Through my detachment, however, I don’t actually feel these completely. Sometimes, not at all. I just do the emotion.
Frankly, I’ve mastered the blank, longing stare.
It’s been troubling me because I feel like I can connect with people on an interest and emotional level, but I can’t fully comprehend the idea of being completely 100%… or even 75% up front with people about who I am.
It sort of feels like I’m running through an AI program from an outside source and I can destinguish myself and my own, personal world from this one.
Granted, I’d like to consider myself a scholar. So, I feel like living inside my head allows me to gain knowledge and insight. Part of my problem is that I come up with great, complex, workable ideas, but I can’t fully convey them to others. The communication (ironically since I’m a communication studies major) of my ideas to others loses something of the original, solid idea. It’s like fools gold.
Without the stimulus material from the outside, I’d probably just live inside my head most of the time. And yet, there’s something deeply rooted in me that craves human attention, emotion, bonding, etcetera. That part of me did not extinguish no matter how hard I tried once upon a time.
So here I am in a narcisistic Catch-22: I prefer living inside my own thoughts, but I crave other people’s attention.
However, I expell so much of my emotional energy on helping those close around me.
I sort of block myself from others by bastardizing my words and saying directly mean things about people or things that typically offend people. Those few others who stick are the ones that can put up with who I am and accept me and are my friends.
Overall, I’m stuck with the problem right now of not having any friends here at college excluding my sister and Megan. Sure, I have Kelsey (who I met with today) but that’s a Kennedy memorial flame of a friendship (which we decided to add more fuel to). I’m just so judgemental of people that it’s hard to let down the barriers. Frankly, I don’t think I’ve ever let down the barriers to myself for anyone. Anyone. I don’t even know if I’m in the clear on that one.
Also, I don’t have anyone (so far) that shares my same interest in the scholarship of comic books. It’s hard to find a non-fat, male, adolescent who likes comic books. I want to study these things and have intelligent conversations about them with at least one friend without talking about which artist draws a better female bust like your atypical comic shopper.
So, how do I go about finding friends? I’m sort of desparate right now. Fuck, I even thought about posting flyers around with comic book characters and some witty lines on them to catch people’s attention in my same interest area. For the most part, I don’t have really any release. I’ve managed for a long time to release my emotions by pondering issues in my head or by enveloping myself into someone else’s story. That time… is drawing to an end.
Who can share my same sense of adventure and exploration as well as scholarly inquiry?
Sure, I understand that there’s no perfect friend and I can’t create a clone of myself anytime soon, but I don’t even know how to go about building a friendship anymore. It’s just something I haven’t done for over a year.
I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t have that many people to turn to. I don’t have any master plan. I just have myself – which, before this time was enough.
How can I feel accomplished anymore without somehow sharing myself with others?
I’m lost and lonely without a real sense of direction to bring myself to some sort of conclusion, and now I’m resorting to stating my feelings on my fuckin’ blog without any heed to grammar.
I crave for something beyond me, and it just seems like a wall of a plastic-like substance is obstructing my pathway; I can see where to go, but I can’t get past the wall.